Creating Positive Relationships
Creating Positive Relationships

Wherever you are in the world you are human and because you are, I am, and because I am you are. Our beginning will be our end if we do not change it. What is different is how our history there and then is affecting us now. We can agree that if your history was a rosy one you would be doing something different other than visiting my website. Do you agree? 

The case study presented on here is to help you understand and decide if your consultation with me might be useful and help you to get the outcomes you seek to achieve or reduce your distress and frustration, of not having the tools that will help you grow and self-actualize. 

The names and some details have been changed to ensure confidentiality.

Adon. 

Adon is 46 years old and identifies himself as a male of African, Caribbean and European ancestry. He has all is lived experience has been in a Eurocentric environment. His parents are second-generation with grandparents who migrated to the European environment from the Caribbean.  

Adon’s parents lived together in what he remembers as a reasonably healthy relationship until age 5 when his father died suddenly in a traumatic incident. Adon remembers his mother becoming depressed and his grandparents taking care of him most of the time. Adon reported in a consultation that, his mother started a new relationship with a new partner and they moved into his home. Shortly after his mother started to experience domestic violence and abuse from her new partner. The turmoil lasted for at least 5 years until they separated and his mother lived with him and his sibling in rented accommodation.  

At age 13 Adon experienced bullying at school and his grandparents died from their long-term conditions. He remembers his mother getting in several short-term relationship and men leaving as soon as he was developing a relationship with the hope of being fathered. Adon reported that he started to used cannabis and form relationship with peers who were part of a gang to feel acceptance and belonging. He was arrested at age 14 and entered the youth justice system.  He dropped out of education for a short while and this resulted in him achieving low grades in his GCSE exams. He later started college and studied Bricklaying and Carpentry, and is now running his own business.  

Adon is now married and a father of three children. He is experiencing challenges due to difficulty with communication, connection, self-compassion, closeness and self-care. He finds it difficult to be vulnerable and recognise that his needs are as important as others. At the consultation, he was finding it difficult to manage financially due to taking excessive responsibly for others and not managing his resources well. 

Interventions 

The work was done with Adon using African centred interventions, systemic and Eurocentric interventions. It has been proven that traditional approaches that are used to treat people with Adon’s identity and personality will prove difficult to help him recover or meet his achievement if only one approach was used. The treatment, in this case, was agreed and a structured systematic approach was used to help him achieve his goal over several sessions. The process followed an order as mapped out below after initial consultation. 

Early life experiences – Creating a timeline Adon’s negative life experiences over several weeks. 

Negative beliefs/lies –  I am not safeI am a victim, I am not good enough, not loveable, not caring, I am responsible for the bad things that happen, I am responsible for the adults and the children, I am not important, my needs don’t matter, I am not man enough, I am just like the men who were inconsistent, I am stuck in my maleness. Men cannot be trusted to be consistent, caring and responsible.  

The rules he lived by – He must look after others first to prevent them from suffering the way I suffered to prevent me from suffering from seeing others suffer. He must avoid forming and maintaining a deep relationship with my women to prevent me from hurting them. He must not show weakness or vulnerability or I will suffer. 

Assumptions – If he looks after others, others will look after him. He cannot look after himself or accept care. 

Trigger – Forming and maintaining a new relationship a6 months after his marriage ended. Having to break his rules 

Thoughts – This relationship will end just like the other relationships and it will be a failure 

Feeling/emotions – Fearful, angry, self-critical, frustration, helpless, anxious, failure, apprehension, worthless, emptiness and unfulfilled, distressed. 

Behaviours – chewing over the future in his mind, chewing over the past in his mind, criticising himself in his mind, avoiding communication, isolation and withdrawal and not showing interest in things, contacting past partners who are not committed and having short term intimacy, excessive spending and wasting of his resources, excessive responsibility taking. 

Next steps – We used the understanding of family systems to help Adon address the order of responsibility the became disordered as a child and young person due to his early life experience of the absence of a father or positive role model in his family system. 

Adon was taught communication skills in session and he repeated the skills with his partner.  

African Centered – Intervention was used to move the client from thinking that he is trapped in his thinking and behaviours as a male. This helps him to develop the problem-solving skills so he was able to respond, become response-able and responsible as a son, brother, friend, man, father and partner.  

Adon has exposed the cycle of dram and manipulation that resulted from his thoughts that he is a victim and helped him to move to a healthier cycle for healing by recognising his vulnerability, resources respect and responsibility and positively asset himself in his identity, humanness, spiritual connection and relationships. 

Adon started to find his purpose, self-acceptance, achievement and peace in place of turmoil. He was able to see his true self and understand his synergy that comes from the greatness of his heritage combined through racial identity development for shared heritage people.  

Adon was supported to address the trauma with the robust effectiveness of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that occurred due to Domestic violence and abuse and loss of his grandparents.  and achieve peace, purpose, enjoyment and achievement in his life. He was able to achieve a healthier spiritual connection and motivation with his past and was able to live in the here and now in his new relationship and manage his resources in a relationship without feeling robbed.  

Adon was able to teach his children the skills he gained from his awareness to his children, partner and others that improved his relationship and visibility as a man. He was able to make himself available as a resource instead of a rescuer and sense of responsibility. Because I was, he was and because he was, I was and because we were healed others were healed and we are still healing. If learning for the past never stops healing never stop.

Do you think you might benefit from this type of intervention? Book a free consultation.